The Letter
by Maya Aodhan
Summary: Cassandra receives a letter after the battle of Adamant and it breaks her heart.


Cassandra used her blunt fingernails to sharpen the folds of the letter. The words scrawled over the paper in a spiky script as though the writer were trying to get the words down as fast as their brain thought them up. She pressed the paper into her palm, the pristine white now smeared with blood and sweat.

"Cassandra?" The voice of Cullen interrupted her reverie. She glanced up, seeing his well worn, stained boots at the entrance to her tent.

Cassandra straightened, put her hands to her knees and wearily pushed herself up. She stared down at the piece of paper.

 _ **Seeker**_ _._

"The Inquisitor has called a meeting. She wants you there…if you are up for it."

"Of course." Cassandra tucked the piece of paper into the book that lay beside her cot.

 _ **We met under interesting circumstances. Your sword to my throat was an experience I wouldn't care to repeat any time soon.**_

"Cassandra," Vaea Lavellan was resting her fisted hands on the map spread over the table. She glanced up.

Cassandra could see the Inqusitor was dry eyed, her expression set in hard lines. Cullen stood beside her, his hands overlaying each other on the pommel of his blade.

"We need to press on," the elf said.

"I know." Cassandra nodded, even as the back of her eyes burned.

Vaea ran a hand through the short white strands of her mohawk, and clutched at the back, making the strands stand up on end. Her armour was sweat stained, discoloured with the ichors of the Fade.

"Adamant will be razed to the ground," Vaea continued, her voice a harsh rasp in the dry desert air.

 _ **But when I made up my mind to overlook this inauspicious start, I discovered beneath that scowl beat the heart of the truest person I have ever met. You made me want to be a better person. To be fair, most of the time I wasn't, but you made me want to try.**_

Cassandra stared out over the desert. The Iron Bull leaned on the parapet next to her.

"How're you going', Seeker?"

"I'm fine, Bull." Cassandra leaned harder, letting the edge of the stone cut into her chest. The steady pain of it was preferable to the ache in her heart.

"You are good at a lot of very admirable things, Seeker. But lying is not one of them." His broad solid palm rested on her shoulder. "He was a good friend of mine. Not entirely sure what he was to you, but I'm guessin' friendship was only a small part of it."

Cassandra lowered her brow to her forearms, pressing her stinging eyes to the cold steel of her vambraces. They soothed the heat there. The palm stroked her back. Somehow she ended up in Iron Bull's big, strong embrace while her tears washed her face and the dust coating his skin.

He didn't speak.

And she couldn't.

 _ **I love you, Cassandra Allegra Portia Calogera Filomena Pentaghast. (I bet you didn't know I knew your full name.) There is a lot I should have told you. But that was the most important. I wanted to. Many times. When you would steal all my blankets and scowl when the sun woke you earlier than you intended. When you would steal a kiss when you thought the others weren't looking. When you made that little noise that meant you were mad at something I said.**_

Hawke was talking to Alistair and the other wardens. His big bearded face was serious for the first time since Cassandra had met him. The big, bluff sarcastic Champion of Kirkwall who could find humour in any situation hadn't laughed in days.

She watched him spot her and approach with that light grace that belied his size. He leaned on his mage staff.

"I'm sorry, Cass. He really loved you, y'know. His letters were full of you. You need anything at all, you ask. He was a brother to me, and I would have done anything for him. I figure you are family now, right?"

Cassandra nodded mutely, unable to deal with the scouring flood of pain that seared her soul at Hawke's words. She stared at Hawke, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from allowing the spill of emotion.

The big palm that touched her cheek was gentle, and when she met his gaze, she saw the weary eyes welling with tears.

"He was an idiot, thinking he could pay me back." Hawke's voice was rough. "Taking on that fear demon. I was ready, y'know? Seemed through everything, it should have been me."

"It was him. Who he was." Cassandra managed.

"Not once upon a time. But these folks you gathered here, they made him care about the cause. And you were a big part of that. He would have come back to Kirkwall once you let him go, but he fell in love."

"Hawke, don't." Cassandra pressed her fingers to her eyes. "Not yet."

"Alright. Right." Hawke nodded and patted her shoulder gently.

 _ **The sex was pretty good too. Or at least it seemed to be pretty good. Was definitely bed shaking and earth shattering from my end.  
I love you, Seeker.  
Wish I could have told you in person.  
I asked Hawke to give you this if I didn't get through Adamant.  
I'm sorry I can't come back to you. Wish I could have.  
Take care of yourself and that Inquisition of yours. You have done something good, and I was proud to be part of it.  
Love always,**_

 _ **Varric.**_


End file.
